That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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