Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
