my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
