From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
