I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
