You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
