That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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