Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
