got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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