I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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