I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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