Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
