The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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