just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
