you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
