I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
