Is it normal to miss your booty call?
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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