my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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