just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
