that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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