That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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