I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
