I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
