so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
