Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
