just come out here and I will go home with you...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
