I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
