my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
