After last night, I could never be a politician.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
