How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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