I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
