Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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