Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
