I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Randomize
