before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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