Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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