Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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