You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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