she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
