A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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