and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
