I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
