Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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