I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
