Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
