I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
