i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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