All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
