Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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