Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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